Anxiety Since the AMPosted: 2009-02-11 03:20:00
Day Number 1

 

So today has been nonstop erratic heartbeating. I woke up around 11 and asked my boyfriend for a ride to school. Usually he is a prick about it, but today was over the top. He started punching the steering wheel and telling me I can't do anything by myself. I mean, I just woke up I don't want to deal with him being a wimp. How hard can it be to take 30 minutes out of his day to do me a couple favors? Yeah, I also asked him for a ride to the DMV and also a pack of cigarettes, but I don't need to be yelled at over it! I told him I was moving out as soon as I got a job. I think I'm serious this time. We don't have fun together anymore besides sex. I feel terrible about myself. I just use him. I mean, I'm pretty sure I love him, but I'm obviously not IN love with him. This I know because I cheated him. More than once. More than twice. Hell, 4 fucking days ago. It's not that our sex isn't great, but I am just sick of him. Everything about him. And sick of myself. I hate everything. Fuck. I'm starting to get anxiety again.So finally he buys me a pack of cigarettes and drops me off at school and then it's more anxiety. I have to go to my step-dad's work and pick up my contacts. Go home. Find a hair straightener because I look like shit without it. Then find a ride to the Rialto Poker Room. If I can't go play poker I will freak out. It's part of my routine, and routine is the only thing that keeps me sane. Well, my day gets a little better because I can go to Emily's house and use her straightener and she wants to go to the Rialto as well. So we drive there and I calm down a bit.Then I have a Redbull. I tell myself at least every other day that I need to stop drinking those things. They just make my anxiety worse. I drink it, and end up losing the freeroll. It's not the worst thing in the world because my mom is going to let me deal the rest of the freeroll. I need the practice because she is going to let me work for her as a poker dealer. It's really nice of her and I feel like I don't deserve it, but it will help me out a lot with money, confidence, and self-displine. Just since I've been going to school I've only tried to kill myself once this month. Like I said, routine.After the freeroll is over it's time to start the real thing. My mom buys me in for 40 dollars and I slowly lose it all and then the game eventually breaks. I have a cup of coffee and the anxiety gets worse. Now I have to deal with going home to Andrew while I've been eye-fucking Lance all night. Lance and I have a little thing going. Well, kind of a big thing. I see him almost everyday because he is also a poker dealer at the Rialto. We have known eachother for over a year now and have been sort-of-kind-of together for a while. My hands start shaking and I don't want to go home. I know I won't sleep and I'll be thinking of Lance all night. I get excited when my mom says we can go gamble some more at another casino. I tell Andrew and of course he says he thinks I should come home. I'm doing what I want even if he is right. So Lance, my mom, and I all go to the Valley Hub and play for an hour. She gets a little tipsy and decides not to drive me home to Andrew. So I get dropped off at my mom's and she goes out and drinks more. Andrew is pissed I'm not coming home, but he tries to hide it. My anxiety is making me want to check in a psychward. It's not because I'm feeling like the world is about to collapse, but because I'm afraid I'll do something. Like break something, or hurt myself. Once my anxiety gets to a point it's like being black out drunk. I don't know what happens.I call Lance. The crazy thing about him is that he has never seen me mad. Everyone I know has seen me mad, but not him. He is such a happy guy it's hard for me to get upset around him. I haven't really talked to him on the phone much, but we end up talking for 2 and a half hours. I feel much better.Then my mom comes home. She's drunk and starts saying how I disrespect her blah blah blah. She vents and now wants to be all buddy buddy and play a board game. I have school in 6 hours. I'm shaking again. I don't know if I should stay up or take a nap. I'm afraid if I stay up I'll sleep in all day and miss the freeroll. I can't fuck up my routine, but I think I'll be okay. I have to still fill out my poker dealer's license and my mom is too drunk to help me. I have no school clothes here and I'm so stressed about Andrew now too. I've already smoked a pack and a half. Ugh. Oh SHIT. I just remembered I have therapy tomorrow at 4. Who's going to give me a ride to school and that if Andrew has to work? Maybe Lance? I don't know. Then if somebody sees us together and Andrew finds out I will be fucking homeless. FUCKFUCKFUCK. I suppose Emily maybe? She doesn't have a phone. SHIT. My dad is pissed at me too so he won't do it. FUCK. If I don't make it to my therapy appointment tomorrow I think I'm going to kill myself. I bought 24 caplets of Sudafed last night, I hope that will do it.

 

Free as a BirdPosted: 2009-02-15 18:33:00
Day Number 5

 

So it's obvious I haven't been happy with my relationship for a while now, so I finally did it. I left him.I woke up at around 4 pm still a bit drugged up from the Sudafed. I was upset I didn't make it to school or my therapist appointment, but I am going to school tomorrow so I'm not worried. Plus I have a psychiatrist appointment in a couple of days so things will work out. I got ready for the freeroll and was picked up by Lance. I held myself from kissing him because I had kissed Andrew before he left for work 2 hours earlier. I took 3rd and won myself 20 dollars in chips. Drank a Redbull. Lost the money. As soon as Lance got done dealing my mom let him drive me home and we kissed. I went inside and took all of my clothes off to go to bed. I know I had only been up for two hours, but the Sudafed was still in my system I suppose. I was texting Lance and telling him how much I wanted to stay with him and if I really should leave Andrew. I decided I was going to do, when the opportunity was right. It just so happened to be right when he came through the door. He came into the bedroom.

Him: Who gave you a ride home?
Me: Lance.
Him: You probably kissed him, didn't you! I'm leaving to pick up some movies.

20 minutes later

Him: I need a blanket, it's cold in the living room. Or wait, you probably fucked on it didn't you?
Me: No! God, you are such a dick! I'm moving out. And you know what, I did kiss Lance!

He picks me up and screams, "I'm kicking you out right now then. Naked. I don't give a fuck. Get the FUCK out of my house." I kick and try to break free of his strong grip. I grab the walls. I'm so close to the door now. I reach for anything I can so I don't have to be thrown out into the cold naked with nothing. I rip a poster off the wall trying to stay inside as he is grabbing me. I finally hold on to something and he throws me on the couch. I start shaking. I'm scared. He spits on my face and calls me a dirty slut, then spits on me again. He hits me in the back with something hard as I start putting my clothes on. Then he throws the poster I ripped off the wall at me and hits me with something else. Then he becomes frantic about finding his cell phone. He wants to make this as hard as possible on me. He starts throwing my shit out into the apartment hallway. My clothes. My DVD player. Everything. He throws my jewelry in the trash and tries to flush my only pair of contacts down the toilet. I saved them.

I hid the cellphone in the pillowcase. Everytime I try to go in the bedroom to get it he follows me and starts screaming at the top of his lungs directly in my ear. "Where is my cellphone you stupid whore?!" I tell him I don't know and he starts grabbing more of my shit and throws it in the hall. I take my chance. I grab the phone and run to the bathroom, the only door that locks. I call my mom. She knows exactly what is going on by the tone of my voice. She is coming to get me.

I go back to the poker room as my step-dad picks up all my shit. He is pissed off at me. Says I broke Andrew's heart. He's only taking his side because he hates me and his ex-wife cheated on him. He thinks I deserved to be hurt. Fuckhead. Lance is all shook up. He thinks he should go over and help my step-dad get my shit, but my mom says no. Andrew will probably try to kill him. Haha.

My mom and I drive home and now I'm here. I feel so relaxed. I can do anything I want now. I don't have to worry about being interrogated about everytime I stay out too late. I don't have to worry about Andrew's bitching. I'm as free as a bird now. And this bird you can not chaaaaaaaain. :)

RelaxedPosted: 2009-02-15 18:48:00
Day Number 5

 

A lot has happened in the past couple of days. It's been a rollercoaster. So the night I break up with Andrew I start feeling better, but the next day is terrible. Everything I do I am thinking of him. I don't know if I should get over him, or get back with him. I decide it's time to hang out with Lance and make sure I really like him. I stay the night at his house and I feel very uncomfortable. It's just like what went on before, but opposite. I am thinking of Andrew while watching a movie with Lance. I don't want to be there. It's awkward and uncomfortable actually hanging out with him. The only reason we had a thing going was because of our secret little drama. We just thought it was funny when drunk people would scream, "Hey are you still fucking your bosses daughter?" Our relationship was holding hands under the table, but nothing else. We didn't have much to talk, didn't have much in common, and it just didn't feel right.

So I stay the night over there and the next day he wants to go grocery shopping. He spends 200 dollars on a bunch of junkfood and I realize this is not who I want to be with. He won't stop talking about his neighbor girl all day. Sam, the girl he has the hots for. Now I know why he has the nickname Romance-a-lot Lancelot. That night we go to the Poker Room and it's just not the same. I can't stop thinking of Andrew. Long story short, we go to a party. He talks about Sam. My mom gets drunk, we drive her home. I have an anxiety attack. I call Emily, I go to the hospital. I tell Lance I only want to be friends and I miss Andrew. I don't know why I ever did that too him. I guess you don't know what you have until it is gone. I just didn't know what I wanted, but now I do. I go to a carehouse for a night and recharge myself. I think about everything in my life and what I've done, and I realize that I am right. I don't need Lance. I just want to be with Andrew even though we do argue sometimes. Everything we ever fought about was my fault. I don't know if things will be the same, but we are trying.

 Taking it slow.

LostPosted: 2009-02-23 17:23:00
Day Number 13

 

I haven't showered in a week. I've been missing school. Drugs. Alcohol. I don't have a home or a brain. I don't know who I am.

indicates post was from memory.
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